A Poem by To Ma

I’m Sorry…
(For what ?)
For loving you too much.
For missing you…
I’m sorry for wanting to see you everyday.
For always thinking about you before going to sleep…
For feeling upset if I don’t see you.
For wanting to be by your side.
I’m sorry for wanting to make you HAPPY.
For wanting you to be part of my life.
For trying to make you smile.
I’m Sorry for bothering you…
For dreaming about you everyday.
I’m sorry for relying back as Quick as possible.
I’m sorry for getting mad, jealous and sad…
I’m sorry for being just a simple game.
I’m sorry for thinking that YOU LOVED ME…
For annoying you with my messages and calls…
I’m sorry for caring about you.
I’m just…
Sorry for every single mistake i made.
Good Bye.

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The New Candidate

Hello everyone, how are you today? I hope you're all doing fine. I really want to write sooner but there are many things that block me and what's more to it is my connection. Yeah, right now my ISP make their usual habit disconnect my line whenever the date hit 28s end of month until 7s early month. The disconnection happen between those days. Last month it took 4 days to go back on, and it could be longer but i went to the ISP Center and complained. The next day, my connection went on again. Well, i guess tomorrow i'll visit the Center again to complain. (-_-)

I want to bring the other news, i don't know why but recently all i can think is my future wife. Right now, there are 2 candidates. And the candidates from the same High School as me. A junior and someone from the other class but at the same year as me. So basically -1 year age and the same age. But the same age girl is new. Well, I've shown my interest long ago at this Culture Park in my city. When we met, she was in relationship with a boy. Well, after that i didn't know much because i decided to stop my interest because the boy was my friend in a organization. Long after that i met my ex-gf so i didn't have time to pay attention to another girl hahaha....

Then about a year ago i saw her picture with another boy again, and as you guys could expect, they were in relationship. Can you guys guess the bf? He is my friend. Again. So i drew back again because well i kind respected this boy. And yesterday, i found out that she was single. I was happy but sad at the same time. This boy from my perspective is a good one. I want to describe him a little but, it will be obvious, And I'm afraid my new candidate will find out. So let's skip to the point when i am confused. I am confused in this matter. Because both of them will get permission from my parents. Apparently they are in the same field that my parents love so much. If you know me well and a friend of me, you can guess the field and their future job. i will reveal it later in this blog. But not at the moment because it was just yesterday that i found the girl i had interest was single. So i will wait until its heat down.

Ah yes, the junior or the old candidate, there are nothing new from her. Well every month i try to contact her to ask some things but well the progress is slow. I don't know that much about her. And i still don't know what kind of man he want to choose as his future husband because she loves South Korea. And of course as you guys can expect both of the candidate is in love with South Korea. It is not that i don't have the confidence but if we analyze of course both of them will look for the "White" as preference. And of course if that is the first standard i will lose before the war begin. LOL.

I will have the chance to get closer to this junior later. About 100 days from now. And the new candidate? No, i don't have much information about her contact. I guess I'll investigate it a little. And i still use the same method. Slowly but sure. So if i find out something that will reduce the chance that we can continue our relationship in "serious" form, i can pull back fast. I hope i can manage to get closer to them a little bit faster, so i can focus on my study. I mean, i will not have to think much about relationship because both of candidates will have quite time too with their study. So i don't have to worry that much if somehow i can be in relationship with one of them. That's it. Sorry if you find it hard to understand my words. I hope you guys can forgive me. See you later. Have a nice day to you all !!!

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Truth Hurts

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote. Exactly. 4 months ago. It was not a hiatus. But I'm just lazy to write. There are plenty draft to post, but i put hold to it. Because few weeks ago or maybe months ago, some people i know open this blog. Few understood, but many didn't. They didn't read information on my posts and randomly accuse me of something. Well, I'm fine though. It was my fault to post many thing at once even though i already informed you guys that i migrated from tumblr to blog because i felt like blog would be better for long stories. Forget that. Let's move to the things that happen to me.

Confession, that was the good thing about it so i could keep moving forward. It was last month, my ex-gf found this site, read it, and unlucky to read her nick in my previous post. She asked me few times, until i opened up to her. Well, it was a good feeling like something loose from my burden. Of course, the first thing i said to her after we didn't talk for a long time was her forgiveness. Because i knew how much I hurted her in the past. I don't know how much similar the feeling but i can grasp it. And of course i have experienced that similar situation. So, for few days we did chat many things include the past. I tried to clear things up. So in the future there would be no more uneasiness when we met each other. But, how unlucky i was, when i was quite in bad state and wrote it in my status, she asked about what happened and i rejected it. It turned out that maybe it led to another miscommunication. And that was the list time we talked. I tried to send few words, but she went away again like last time. Left me again without any trace. Well, i kinda regretted it but what's done is done, right?

Relationship, that was another good thing that happened. I talked to this girl that I aimed to be my future wife. I won't claim her mine, but i tried my best to get closer slowly. Because it was my new habit to calculate everything then i moved slowly but with kind of right pace so i  won't look like slowing down. I was happy every time i have the chance to talk with her, even it was in front of the mirror of my smart phone. I hope i can get this girl in time and in the end someone will not snatch her. But i will always pray that she can be happy for anyone that might be best fit for her. Even that person turned out to be someone else.

Recently, I've been in this bad state where i felt like alone. I'm far from my God. I used to pray in good manner, good looks, and in more proper way. But i felt so lazy. It haunt me everyday. Why i become like this? Why i can't change myself to be a better man? Why? Why? Why!? I kept thinking that maybe I've been strayed too far from God so i felt uneasiness, angry, bad mood, mellow etc. I need to move forward because today, i finally deleted almost all the memories that I've had bad past with it. the only thing left was few photos, words, logs, and some souvenirs. I will get rid all of it slowly. It is not like i hate it, i just want to clear things up. So people will not think that i still live in the past. 

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Prediction

Good Morning. How are you today? I hope you all doing well. Today is Sunday. I am beginning to write this at 4:40 AM. I guess you can call it dawn. In my place, the weather is not that bad. Sometimes it rains lightly and sometimes it is cloudy. Well let's move from that point. If i write something, that means that something good or bad events happen to me. This time.... It is bad again. Just like my previous post, so unfortunate. Hahaha...

Alright, before i start mumbling, i have written some calculation in my previous posts. And what i have feared, began to happen. Something bad in the future will happen seriously. Because i confronted one of the people who would be critical actor in the future event. Just as i thought, this person couldn't see the future ahead. And blabbering nothing. Many people in my circle can't foresee the future based on past and current events. They simply ignore it and continue to believe that something good will keep on happening.

Well, they are not completely wrong but base on my principle, action equal with reaction, if people do good things they will get good things for sure. But, if they do bad things, they will get bad things too. And i believe it because i have experienced this kind of things everyday ever since i realized what happened to me few years ago. So from that point, i have changed my point of view. It has become handy and helped me much. Become negative to stay positive. It means that i will always have another negative opinion to make sure that i will not put much hope into something or someone unless i know them really well. It keeps me off from stupid feeling such as by getting hurt with mere words, by another people's action etc. Ah i forgot the main topic already. My bad.

OK, now to the main topic. I discussed things with this critical person, but well, we got different ideas. And unfortunately, so did my beloved persons. But i don't want to blame them, because they are the best and they love me so much. Oh yeah, about this critical person, i think she is the same with another one, take a job because of the social status. Far from the real meaning of the job. Well, that is their choice, but bad motive will eventually end with bad events. Back to my prediction that I calculate, it will not take too long of time before the economic collapse. So before that happen, i have to persuade my beloved persons to follow my guides and instructions to save this economic things. There are many things that i have to do this year. Wish me luck, Dear readers! (^_^)

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Unfortunate

Hello everyone, it has been a while. I have been sick since 30 December 2014. I don't know the cause but i guess it was when I bought fried rice near my house. When i was eating, i felt something was wrong with my throat and i began coughing much and suddenly felt sick. Then at tomorrow morning, i felt terrible. I got nausea, headache, unstoppable cough, and influenza. What a bad luck in new year. I've eaten many kinds of medicine but nothing has changed.

Well, let's skip it. I don't know any good event that i want to tell you guys. But, i have bad news. It is not that bad, but I am sure in the future there will be some kind of trouble. Well, i don't want to go to the detail but it is something that i can't just ignore. People who close to me misinterpret the meaning of helping others to get better from their disease. These people are annoying me so much. I have to put my mask everyday to face them. I think they would become the trash of society. Become an expert just for the social status. Idiot people to the core. 

I don't know how a child leech their parents while they are fully aware of it and sometimes feels guilty. But they don't change at all. They just talk about it. After that they will continue to lie, leech and deceive their parents. I really hate these kinds of people. Useless piece of trash. Make mistakes everyday and keep blabbering about guilty. Why don't you just re-evaluate yourself and do better next time. It will be better for sure. While only bullshits come from their mouth, i really want to talk to them directly. But their parents keep on defending them. I don't know how these moronic people will fit into society after they graduate in the future. People who get their title without even have skill for practicing will make thousands of reason whenever they are asked to do their job. And in the end, they will run and make a story of it.

A liar will always be a liar. Whatever bullshits they are telling you, don't even try to put your trust into them. If you feel pity towards them, just give them a piece of your trust. If i have to put it in numbers, it will be about 10-20%. Oh yeah, i am sure this problem will arise in the future and i think it will be the doom of my economic, but i will always pray that the doom will not come at all. But, it will require these piece of trash people to realize that they are wrong from the start and from their original motive to become expert in that field. I hope they are willing to open their eyes and see the world which already become harsher from time to time. So they will stand and take an act from it. This is not just for me, but for you too. 

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Disaster?

Hello everyone.... Finally, i have posted all of my articles from tumblr. So i will update some of my recent experience. There are many events. But for now, i will write the recent one. This event force me to go outside. This is the first time i am writing in public place. It is a cafe. This cafe is not that far from my house. About 7-8 minutes by riding with my bike. Well, i want to inform you, this cafe is open public. And it means cigarette. It becomes cloudy as soon as some of workers come. So cloudy. (-__-)

I hate place like this, but this is the only place that give good connection. There are many people. But people in 40s dominate it. Endless stupid talk. I don't know that society have fallen this much. FYI, I seldom goes out from my house unless it is important and have meaning. They talk about many things and sometimes joke about something that is not supposed to be joke. And the funny thing is they all laugh with it and it is unpleasant to see people force their self to laugh.

Enough of society, let's get back to the title. This event happened recently. My older sister finally back from her study and moved back to our house. I don't know about how our house arrangement will be in the future, But for now, she stays in her former room with my younger sister. I've been feeling happy because since she arrived the house seemed brighter. I don't want to go for the detail but that is happening. I could not make something like that. Because i became careless. I decided to not meddle with any one's business anymore unless they asked me to. And I decided to not talk unless it forced me to. This decision has been started since few weeks ago. And i found it pretty useful. I could become calm and thought many things without involving my emotions.

OK now i am back to the title. I keep getting distracted. Seriously there are many things to write. And i plan to write things regularly. Right now, i am planning to include my studies too. Because i am easy to forget things. Including my knowledge. So i decided to write, because i found it became useful in times like these. I used to have this problem from my LAN card. Recently the problem keep happening again. And i forgot how to fix it. And because of that, i couldn't use my computer to go online. Well, the connection is out too. The lighting struck our house yesterday and made some sparks in my room. The spark came from the terminal. Luckily my computer seemed fine only the LAN became stuck. I haven't checked thoroughly though. This forced me to make some grounding inside my room. I've told my parents but they didn't believe. I couldn't force them to accept it that our house didn't have grounding. I decided to not argue with them. So i will buy some items to make grounding. i hope it will work out somehow. I called it disaster because i couldn't connect to Internet through my computer and forced me to write in public area that leaded me to inhale unhealthy ciggarette's smoke.

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Broken Attachments

Saturday, 12 July 2014. It will be the longest post in this blog and the last post from my tumblr. And for me, it is the most interesting event of my unstable. :D

 

Hello, it has been a while since i wrote. well i got mixed news.

Yesterday it was my birthday. I hided it from my Facebook. As i expected, none of people who i listed send me anything. Not birthday card nor messages. hurt me so bad, wasn’t it?

God wanted me to see clearly that i don’t have to look back. Everything was already settled. and it is time to move forward. What did i settle? I settled some mistakes in my past life.

When i was young, a stupid one and so brave without bound. Few weeks ago, i got this dream. It came out nowhere. It is still clear in my mind about what happened back there.

It was evening about 4 or 5 p.m. It was a park near the river. I wanted to jog there when i spotted EF sit and gazed the river. She was beautiful as always and really caught my eyes instantly. Seriously, i went to her bench and she smiled at me warmly. I started by apologizing my mistakes and she forgave me so fast. I didn’t know she would forgive me that fast. I expected some slaps, lol. Then we talked about her life until she came back to my town.

I didn’t really remember about our conversation because i was busy. Yeah busy to admire her. she was strong and too strong to be real. She held herself quite good with me when we were together. And when she was talking about her arrival in our city, there was a sound of adzan.

When i heard it, i felt bad not because it was a bother but because we had to part ways soon. Because it was Maghrib's time and we should end our conversation. When we walked together to the parking lot, she stopped suddenly. She wanted me to gaze the sky and felt the wind that surround us.

Then suddenly, she hugged me from behind tightly. I didn’t know why. She started crying behind my back. I felt her sadness. Her pains. All of emotions that i gave her in the past, she released it with her cry. When i tried to talk, she told me to keep silent and let her finished.

It took a long time for her to calm down, then she turned me around. I held both of her shoulders and smiled to her. Cleared her tears. After that, i told her, “I still love you. and you love me too, right?.”

When she agreed to me and wanted to reply, i stopped her. I told her that she should not answer it at that time and let it be. I wanted her to reply it next time when we met again by God’s will. Then I WOKE UP!!! ARRRGGHHHH…. i woke up because of alarm.

It was time to Sahur. So that’s it. And my feeling for her came back instantly. Fulfilling my empty heart. And i thought it was time for me to talk. Yeah few days later, i sent her some texts to apologize about my past. And she forgave me too. Finally, i could sort out my feeling to her. We sent some texts until we fell asleep. That’s the last time we shared. That’s about the mixed news and she forgot about my birthday.

Well i accepted it but i felt bad. I always texts her every year. And she forgot mine easily, well God granted my wishes early. He guided me to be stronger and wanted me to be happy. And not only her, almost all of my friends and my ex gfs forgot. But that was the sign to see the real friend that i could count on.

Don’t get me wrong. people who forgot were still my friends. But… i will be much caring to people who remembered even it was late. People who remembered are my parents, sisters, brothers & my family. My families including two of my bro (MF&WAS) and my lovely elciefo. An orphan child that i knew and my best friends DY and PRN at that time. They are people that i will keep safe and help them in need. As much as they want and i will repay their kindness multiplies.

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Time Doesn't Heal

Time changes everything or time heals all wounds. But the reality, it was just what people said. Doing things change things. Not doing things left things exactly as they were. And if you just leave it alone, it is not going to clear itself up like some kind of magic. So take actions, don’t just sit and try to forget.

 

We can forget it if we are busy to do many things, but how long can you stay busy? Remember, when the memories strikes, it will be hurt and makes you miserable. Either you let yourself hurt again, or you stand up and fix it. You choose.

PS.
Okay that was the post. But i will add some words. I truly believe that time doesn't heal any wounds. If u persist that it will heal but i guarantee that it will leave scar. Because nothing could heal completely. So it still count as not fully recovered, right?

If you really want to move on, you have to accept that wounds. You have to acknowledge it. Because only by that, you will find peace. I could talk about it because i passed that phase. I know, it will take time depend on how big the wound. But, do not give up because you will not know how close you are from the finish. Believe me. :)

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Lingering Affection?

Saturday, 23 August 2014

What has happened has nothing to do with me…
I have just been watching the whole time from distance. 
You, the whole world and everything outside continues to move on.

No matter how hard i tried…
No matter how much i love you…
I knew that nothing was going to happen for me…
You were completely different from when i knew you…
The “you” back there was already dead.

The “you” i knew… the “you” that i loved…
That innocent, cute, and sweet girl i knew…
The “you” from my memories died and never came back.
It would be for all eternity and everything ended peacefully.
I just had to accept it and everything would start to heal.

-Oshimi Shuzo

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C. JoyBell C.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.

Lots of things can be fixed. Things can be fixed. But many times, relationships between people cannot be fixed, because they should not be fixed. You’re aboard a ship setting sail, and the other person has joined the inland circus, or is boarding a different ship, and you just can’t be with each other anymore. Because you shouldn’t be.

PS.
These are another random quotes. It is from a wise man, Mr. JoyBell.
I find it interesting as motivation. maybe you can learn few things here.
Or maybe not. Well it doesn't need that much time to read just to remind you.
Oh yeah, there are few posts left from my tumblr. Soon, i will write recent event.
Expect my next article my dear reader, and i am learning how to make it good.
Don't expect much but i will guarantee there will be improvements. :D

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Another Random Quotes

Monday, 2 June 2014

I don’t regret my past. I just regretted the time I’ve wasted with wrong people.
From my best friend Wishnu.

Saturday, 7 June 2014

If you could put an act to be cold, I could turn myself to ice.

Saturday, 5 July 2014

I am sinner. I made mistakes. But after that I would apologize and pray to God. Fix my mistakes then clean my own mess.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Diam lebih membantu daripada berbicara. Terlalu banyak orang yang tak peduli pada penjelasan.

Saturday, 23 August 2014

One day, the time to make a decision will come. Even if the pain of parting will come attacking. Discarding the possibilities, gathering the courage needed to make a choice. For you have only one path you can take. 

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Don’t think highly about yourself. People care again after you hurt them in the past don’t mean they are falling for you again. They just show some consideration after forgiving you. Don’t expect more, youngster!

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To My Dearest Future Wife

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Hello, it has been a while since i wrote about my life. Just posted random quotes from my everyday experience. Well let’s get start from this MAINSTREAM topic. he he…

I just want to apologize. Yes to you, my beloved future wife. I’ve cheated on you numerous times already. i am a bad guy. Well, i did that in the past because of this thing called “loneliness.”

I’ve born in a good and religious family, and yet i betrayed them. I tried anything in my teenage time. from “good” until “bad”. I’ve tasted everything that available. So i knew how it would work. And i guarantee you that i will not get addict to drugs or cigarette. Of course, not even alcohol too. That’s from the bad side of “things”.

Let’s go to the abstract ones. yeah, this thing called “love”. I’ve fallen in love since my junior high school. That was the first time and the last time was about several months ago. I’ve tasted many kind of emotion. Of course good and bad. This “love” thing gave me plenty of experiences in life. From spirit to live or gloom to death. Well, i was in my unstable period.

Now, i feel like it was so funny to see me in the past. So funny. If i could go back, i would like to punch myself to pulp. I felt like i was complete different person in this present age of time. Well, this thing called “love” also the one who guide me to maturity. Not 100%, but it took almost half of the role though.

Ok, i want you to know, this time, i will make sure to not cheat on you anymore. And not to try “something”. Because I’ve done that it in the past. I will control every inch of my emotion. Make sure to protect it. And then one day i will say, “This heart reserved for you only, my dearest.”

Just so you know, I’ve recently tried to work out again. I want to make sure to meet you in my great shape to not let you down. It’s not like i want to be someone else, it’s just i want to be healthy again. I won’t let you see me as a weak person. Because i am strong. Yeah strong enough to learn many things in this life and not to give up so easily.

I want to make you rest assured and feel no worry in my protection. I think this is only for part one. Well, let’s continue it later.

From your future husband. Don’t laugh please. Oh, honestly„, :p

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Random Quotes

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Focus on self-repair. focus on ourselves. never ever try to ask help from another person. do everything on your own. sooner or later, you can stand still in this atrocious world.

Everything will be back to normal. i felt so relax. everything’s moving just like my plan now. if i have done this before, i should have been further in step to success. ganbarimashou!!

Should have been like this. realizing everything, back to my normal self. logic work all the time. fiuh…. back to otaku world. real girl only betray you, sooner or later. but my senjougahara hitagi, she won’t. :p 

Thursday, 7 November 2013

My life keep changing since that time. well it become better at some parts and worse at some parts. but i am happy. i can become closer to se7en wonders and my best parents.

It is not about forgiving. it was about you who realized you’ve made mistakes. then you tried your best to resolve it. after that beg for forgiveness. that is proper way to ask forgiveness. 

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Ketika diperingati berkali-kali tetapi tetap tidak mengerti, maka bersabarlah. Jika kau melihat harapan, tunggulah. Jika tidak, tinggalkan. 

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Dan pada akhirnya kebencian hanya akan berbuah iri dengki. Meracun akal pikiran dan membuat ilusi sebuah perbandingan tak berujung. 

Sunday, 23 February 2014

Sesuatu yang telah rusak, akan sulit dikembalikan seperti sedia kala. Kalau pun bisa, sebagian besar akan telah terkorupsi.

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

One good deed doesn’t mean you are good person, vice versa.

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