i am (not) happy

Hello again. This time i felt a little bit down. You know, whenever i am right back on track, there will be always something that disturb me. Recently, i felt full and had some kind of motivation. Then because of some people, i got shot down. Again. And i am so fucking moron to let myself drown in it. My soul kept on screaming because of this. Yet, my body chose to not fucking care. I stopped myself from doing anything for myself. The time keep on advancing, here i am, standing without caring. What a waste of breath, don't you think?

The good part is the friendship that i build recently feels good. You know, it has been quite sometime that i don't have any spark in life. I am such a stupid shit. Get a big motivation just from few words. Now i am battling the negativity of people around me with kind words from the friendship. Yeah i am such a retard. I'm smiling just from some random words. Such a stupid prick. And there is no hope for me to aim anything. Just a friendship. Maybe i felt lonely all this time and didn't want to admit it.

Alright, there you go, a small update to meet my schedule. I will update my drafts for next post. I mean there are so many topics that i prepared in the past. I did consider to move back to tumblr because now it was clean place. But i guess i will stay in here. Thank you for reading some cents in my life. じゃあね

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Hey May!

Hai hai hai.... A quick update to welcome may. Recently i met someone new. Well, we started to talk regularly now. But not too deep. We discussed about our problems, not my turn yet though. But we start talking. I tried my best to not make any stupid move. I would like to make our meeting as a friend. I hope nothing more. Just to go day by day like that. Clean. Because there are too many times that friendship died out because i advanced too fast. So it is like that now. I try my best to suppress things. Hope this time will work out. Well our age difference is not that far, around 5-6 years. I don't want to lose friends again.

That's that. let's move on. Last Sunday, i went out to the beach but i didn't spend that much time staring at the sea. Almost all of my time, i spent it in my room. I watched the sea, but it didn't attract me much this time. Because my mind was still wandering. The pressure to finish my college keep on haunting me. If i want to clear all things, the first step i have to do is finishing my college life. So i can move on to the second part of life. Maybe i am such a coward. Enjoying so much for small paid jobs. A million for a month is so small, yet i already felt satisfied. I am such a hypocrite. I could have been someone so great, yet i chose to dilly-dally. I have so many masks to disguise yet i choose the truth mask almost all the time. What a waste.

Alright for the last part is me becoming so much better in driving. Well, i am someone who love speeding. Used to do unofficial street racing all the time. Sometimes i won, sometimes i learned. I beat so many vehicle that should be faster, yet because the driver was me, i won. Looks like i am bragging. lol. The adrenaline is still there. I could feel it in my last trip. Right now, i have to focus all of my energies to clear all the things that have to be done soon. Anyway, thanks for reading. See you soon.

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The Calm Mode (Part 2)

Haiii heyyyy oiiiii.... 3 times because i was absent for so long. There were so many events that happened to me for the last 3 months. Most of them are sad story though. I will write about it later. I hope i will not forget about it, so i can share it with you guys. Alright, let's keep it short and focus on continuation from the last part. 

The calm mode have advantages and of course disadvantages. I can't mention it all, but i can address some that i experience and happen most of the times. For me, they are in gray area. Because sometimes, it was the right thing, other times it was not. That is why i called it gray.

First of all the example is like when i really needed to get angry, it did not happen and made me look stupid instead. At the moment when my emotions boiled up for some seconds, it died down as soon as it wanted to explode. It was so bad. When i was supposed to be angry, i laughed instead because the emotions were gone. It left me at the neck of climax without reaching the peak. It happened to the happy, the fear and the sadness too. But there are some occasions that the calm mode do not happen in instants. It was the condition in extreme mode. When i lost the ability to think and left it all to my heart. The only thing that could reach the extreme mode currently for me was the sadness. I have not experienced for the other emotions because the sadness was the only thing that happened to the extreme when i was learning about managing emotions. So of course, the wall would collapse so easily whenever facing the extreme wave of sadness.

Anyway, that is all. I knew this was meaningless, but i just wanted to tell you all and shared it. I should have post it few days after the first part, but things became quite hectic at those days behind. Sigh.... I am disappointed to myself. I let myself drown in laziness. There are so many project unfinished that i need to take care. Yet here i am.... writing. Errr.... thank you for reading this. Because as i am writing this, i do not have the zeal to tell a story and this thing is not that interesting. It should have been merged with the first part. My bad. Alright, see you on another post.

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The Calm Mode (Part 1)

Alright folks, as I said in my previous post, I would like to talk about emotion. I will split the stories into few parts and make sure it is not a long post. If it is too long, it will be boring to read. Of course, I know that by writing this, many people will find it boring already. Because this blog is about me and my journey. Alright enough about that, let's get to it.

This happened way back at 2013, at that time, i was slowly recuperating from broken heart because i lost someone dear to me. I was in denial state. I kept on forcing myself on her. This was my biggest mistake, because i already knew that there was no hope anymore. But i still convinced myself to chase after her. This led me to "books". The surface only though and relationship related thingy. I tried so hard to find some piece of hope to reunite with my love. I couldn't sleep properly. I ate like a madmen. I became depressed. That was why i really couldn't picture what I've done at that time from other people's perspective. For me, i have to find a way to be together again.

It went day by day until i stumbled upon these words. The famous newton 3rd Law. This thing transformed me completely. At that times, i healed myself by going to the beach or just watched anime. From anime, I met the all-time masterpiece, Fullmetal Alchemist. This anime was one of the reason i opened my eyes. To understand the human nature. The most life changing moment was started by this anime. It completely reformed my mind about so many things. Then my mind was craving for knowledge, and then it forced me to keep on reading while distracted me from negative thinking. After that, i spent most of my time by reading whatever i could find to complete that fragile mind and to make sure that i was walking in the correct path by assessing everything with logic. Beside reading, i joined a community for Japanese related thingy in my city to increase my interactions.

After some period of time, the wall finally became solid, my eyes began to see much more. Things that I've been neglecting finally came to me. At that time, regret was the biggest word for me. The first thing i did was to get closer to my family member. I mean dad. mom and my 6 siblings. Interacting more with them. Loving them much more than before. Value them more. I found the true love that could love me back as much as i gave. It felt so incredible and powerful.

Mom gave me the warmest hug i could get. She always understands me. She told me what she have been seeing in recent years. How it made her heart broken to see me in a bad shape. How it made me became unstable. I really hold my best to not cry in front of her. But of course i shed manly tears after realizing every thing that i could remember.

All the things that happened. I spent almost a full month to remember every single thing that happened to me. I went around to many people's house to settle things. Asking their forgiveness if i hurt them in the past. Every single thing that i could do to redeem myself. To turn over a new leaf. I forced myself to do it. If they forgave me then it was good. But if not, at least I've tried asking about it to them than let it became unspeakable matter.

From that, my life became more balanced. Many bad things happened, but so do good things. As i learnt more about life. From action equal to reaction then to Yin Yang, Karma, and the Law of causality. The wall became rock solid resulting in trust issues and another thing was calm mode. It gave me benefits and drawbacks at the same time. I will explain these in  the next post.

OK, the story will continue in part 2. I will update it as soon as it's ready. Stay tune. And thanks for coming. I hope you guys have a bright and happy day. :)

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Ending of "Adulthood is Trouble (Part 3)"

Hello everyone, it's me again. I'll continue this topic because it get wrapped up. I mean the story kinda end so fast. Well this help me to ease my minds too. I mean after writing it up, i can address some issues after careful thought. So it is very helpful not only to me and i hope to you as well. Probably.

Alright, let's continue where i left last time. So few months ago, the girl that I've been in touch decided that we really couldn't move forward. The reasons were well, we were all apart for so long and we didn't know each other that much. After that, i tried to give some arguments but she stopped it. After careful thought, i didn't want to give any pressure and made her feel discomfort. So i decided to stop it completely.

Well, in the first place, it is just me. And it will always be me. I am the only one who can manage feeling as i am a sensitive idiot. So. i put them in parts carefully in my heart. This is not their wrongdoing. It is just me who keeps everything in check. And of course, after learning it might be harmful, i pulled myself away. I should have just stopped myself before it was going to happen, so i could keep talking to her non stop.

At that time, some part of me rebel, if it all led down to relationship, then it was better to confess. Another part did rebel too. They reminded me that human were fragile. If i was rejected, then the friendship i built would be lost. And it was right. After i confessed and she rejected, few weeks later  we stopped chatting. I lost a friend that i could talk to. It was bad and good move. Some part of me did regret it, some didn't. Not black nor white, then. How about gray? :)

Well, after that i felt down, but not for long because i was quite good at managing emotions. Not a pro, but definitely not a newbie. I am quite a sensitive person. I get hurt by words so easily. So that was one of things i addressed back in 2012 when i was crushed to dust by "love". Right now, of course i'm still sensitive, but i can manage it carefully, somehow. Every time someone do something that might hurt me, i always activate calm mode, even though there are so many nasty thoughts on  my head, like talking back with rude remarks, or getting angry, or slam my fists to their face, or slay them with katana, or something like that :D, but then still, i keep myself calm. It was bad though, so many emotion got stopped suddenly. I lost the ability to get truly angry. Whenever i got angry, then few seconds later it died down just like that. Too many rationalization and logical thinking made me dull i guess. I will explain about this emotion thingy in the next update. So. please stay tune. :)

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Ruination?

Hello dear readers, it has been a while. I already wrapped things up. Well, after the new event, i wrote the next post already. But, as my emotions fluactuated much, i decided to postpone the release.

Well let's skip that part. few weeks ago i started a holiday trip with my brothers and sisters. We are 7 with my older sister's husband and their child. So, we can count it as 9 people. I will explain about my adventures with them in 1 or 2 post ahead. I will give reviews about the hotel i visit, the foods and the places.

What's more important then to tell beside my holiday? I don't know how to explain it. The only thing i can tell is, i get cut before even starting. I haven't even give time to really focus on there. Really, it upset me. Not that much, though, I don't know what kind of things that ruin my part. Is it about looks? Is it about money? Is it about attitude? I don't know. And i don't think i will have the real answer. Let's stop it at there about my assumptions. I will not start to ramble about things that i don't investigate. Sad, isn't it? Of course it is. I haven't thought about this even once until three weeks ago. Yet, i have to let it go just like that again. Again? Yes, again.

It was hard to part away with it. I had to make decision as fast as i can. Yet, i wanted it to last as long as possible. Because it would be the last time that we could have long talk together. Regardless, about things that we talked. I believed that, after i made the decision, we would not talk again. Back to being acquaintance. This is the saddest part for me. Because it happened in the past. Acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. We used to be so close. It was hard to find someone like you. Even after i looked around for so long. I haven't even encounter one beside you. Someone that really fit with what i wanted. But i have to understand too, that i can't force someone to like me. Not to mention my personality which is like this. A really huge and thick wall that always filter everything before me. That might turned off people before we even began.

Alright, in every chance, i have to acquire lessons to learn. Sincerity, sometimes can't move people, no matter how pure of it. Maybe it will, maybe it will not. Because, we can't see what's inside someone's heart. Some will fail to interpret it and even misinterpret. And sometimes, you will end up like you are lying. Well, it is ok. Maybe even normal. Because i really don't know, maybe common sense is too hard to grasp. As i said in the past, not everyone could handle raw truths. Not to mention young generation, even the old generation suffer from it too. Maybe because it is rare in society nowadays to speak up and have different opinions.

I think that's all for now. As the situation is cooling down. I will try to post the drafts i have. I'm sorry, i can't explain much. I really can't explain because i already said that i would keep it between us. Well, i really don't know what's to keep. Is it about our secret? Yet, i don't know what's secret that we have. Is it about us? I haven't started yet. Is it about our break up? Yet we are not even in any kind of relationship. Really, i don't know. I'm back to suppress this long-lasting feeling. It has been here for years. And maybe it is time to really let it go. Should i low level format my heart then? Or should i show that i am not playing around? Time will tell.

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Adulthood is Trouble (Part 2)

Hello. Today is a hot Sunday. Dank. When i wanted to laze around, but the weather forced me to do something instead. Because staying idle felt terrible and this overwhelming energies that i got last night, just sparked non stop. This feeling. It is something like "Second Wind" for me. It has been a while. Really. This burning sensation like i can own the world when i take a step. This powerful feeling. How long have i missed it. Last time something like this happen in the past when i was fat, and they said, "Fat people like you, can't run that far. Don't even mention to enter Academy School with that body." After that like a storm, i tried my best to get in shape. I burned 13kg in less than a month. I could run 2km in 12 minutes. And not stopping at that. I ended up reaching 3km after few months later. I could do 42 perfect push up in 1 minutes, 53 sit ups in 1 minutes, but sadly my arms were weak, i can only do 4 pull ups. lol. Don't mention about swimming, i can do that for hours. much better than my running. Well, enough of that. Because now, I am back to be the fat guy. I'm still working to get back in shape again.

So as i have promised in my previous post, i will update the second major thing. It is about work. In September 2015. When i was a computer technician from door to door. My friends, RMA and AS. They share the same dream as myself. To make our city better. In technology about computer. In Indonesian language it is said as "Melek Teknologi". Because in many case, my customers, and my friend's customers they get a totally wrong idea about computer. Especially in laptop. They get deceived to buy this and that without knowing the real functionality of the items they bought. Our missions that time was to educate people and help them get through it. A noble thing to do, right? Even we could get small profit from it.

So, from September 2015, we created a startup shop. We hope that one day, this startup could become big and became a place where people could come to get education whil bought stuffs too. After that we tried to expand our business. 2 months after that, we have a big news. We could open up a small store in good business area in our city. We worked toward it as best as we could. We maintained it in few months. We were growing. Then the problem in my previous post happened, I didn't have much time to stay in our store. I was becoming an invisible dude who didn't help that much recently. It was sad. But i have to accept that. That was fate that i have to face. Now, i manage things as simple as i can. Take small decisions over things. Without overthinking in the first place. Well for big matters of course i will always end up overthinking. lol.

Beside the problem that happened in previous post, there was a problem in transportation too. I meant, we didn't have that many bikes available to be used. So, it made my situation in my own store worse. I could only come few hours a day, not to mention, most of the time i couldn't even attend in weekend or holiday. Well, i used to stay almost 12 hours a day in my store. We open at 9 AM - 11 PM. It become long because we sell cellulars stuffs too. So we can have another income beside computer stuffs.

Because those things, my store got some kind of indirect impact because of me. I felt so sad. I hope after my sister's bike is out, i can use my bike again to go to work. I need to work harder from now on. And i have to finish my college as fast as i can. After i received "Second Wind" yesterday. I will give you a brief explanation in next post. It is about romance. See you later..... hahaha xD

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Adulthood is Trouble (Part 1)

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote about something, especially in 2016. Most of it was assignments from my lecturers. So i couldn't write anything, because i thought that they would notice it and read my stupid journey. lol. Well, i have plenty of things that went bad. I will explain some of it in numbers. For now, i will tell you guys about the major first.

First of all, the decline health of my father. This is the huge hit for me. The guy that i looked up to. The idol in my heart for long period of time began to die out. I meant, i kept losing my faith on him. I didn't know why he became like this. He was the best man that i could look up to. I thought that i was being denial. Because i couldn't accept, "Nobody's Perfect".

He handled us as small family (now we are kind of big). Eating good food with great nutrition was his priority when i was a kid. In my family, we were forced to finish the meal that we took. So if you couldn't eat much, you shouldn't take the amount that you couldn't handle. If you did, get ready to cry later. At that time, as a small family that just started out, most of the time we could eat was eggs thingy. We did buy beef, chicken, or fish too. But most of the time it was eggs. I could eat more than 1 egg a day. Because when my sisters couldn't eat much, i ended up finishing their food. Because we were so afraid that my father would get angry if we didn't finish our foods. Ah i forget to tell you, we were forced to eat based on my father's amount. Not our own amount. In food thingy i mean. lol.

He managed every single thing in my house. He taught me every basic thing in the worldly knowledge or knowledge about my religion, as it resulted that i was excel in it. I could be proud when compared to kids in my age. I was being the first, in school or in neighborhood as a kid. Even now, if i give a little time to learn something, i could comprehend it fast. The only bad thing was he haven't have time to teach us that much. Especially in sport. He forced us, siblings to work our way alone. I'm not going to critic his parental teaching method. It is just that he haven't give any inheritance in that area. I could be careless about inheritance in money, material or something like that. But knowledge, it is different matter.

He was the best dad i ever knew. He could cook. He could do shopping. He could repair things. He could take care the three of us siblings at that time easily (now we are 7 brothers and sisters). He was someone that could handle everything easily. He was strong, he told us that he could run and cycling for kilometres back in the day when he was kid. He could wake up easily in dawn. Whatever time he intended to wake up, he could do it. The result was fantastic for 56 years, until 2015, he never have major sickness that i could tell. Even if he was, he hid it very well. Because he appeared healthy, even now when he is very sick. I love him so much. My eyes always get cloudy, whenever i remembered things in the past when we were kids. When my father focused his best attention to make sure we got what we needed.

Now, i couldn't explain what happened to him. I mean i couldn't write it here. Because i want to remember all the good things only for him. The bad things are for me to learn. But i'm sure one of the factor is money. It changed things. There are tons of things i have to think as adult. Time keep passing each minutes, hours, days, and years. And now i think throughly for every decision i have to make. And because of that, i have trust issue. I think that's all for now. I will continue another thing in part two. Let me think about it, there will be two topic, work and romance for future parts.

I hope you guys could learn something from my experiance after all this time. Even maybe it is so small. Still, i hope i can be some kind of help. Alright, see you later on second part. I will try my best to update it soon.

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A Poem by To Ma

I’m Sorry…
(For what ?)
For loving you too much.
For missing you…
I’m sorry for wanting to see you everyday.
For always thinking about you before going to sleep…
For feeling upset if I don’t see you.
For wanting to be by your side.
I’m sorry for wanting to make you HAPPY.
For wanting you to be part of my life.
For trying to make you smile.
I’m Sorry for bothering you…
For dreaming about you everyday.
I’m sorry for relying back as Quick as possible.
I’m sorry for getting mad, jealous and sad…
I’m sorry for being just a simple game.
I’m sorry for thinking that YOU LOVED ME…
For annoying you with my messages and calls…
I’m sorry for caring about you.
I’m just…
Sorry for every single mistake i made.
Good Bye.

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Truth Hurts

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote. Exactly. 4 months ago. It was not a hiatus. But I'm just lazy to write. There are plenty draft to post, but i put hold to it. Because few weeks ago or maybe months ago, some people i know open this blog. Few understood, but many didn't. They didn't read information on my posts and randomly accuse me of something. Well, I'm fine though. It was my fault to post many thing at once even though i already informed you guys that i migrated from tumblr to blog because i felt like blog would be better for long stories. Forget that. Let's move to the things that happen to me.

Confession, that was the good thing about it so i could keep moving forward. It was last month, my ex-gf found this site, read it, and unlucky to read her nick in my previous post. She asked me few times, until i opened up to her. Well, it was a good feeling like something loose from my burden. Of course, the first thing i said to her after we didn't talk for a long time was her forgiveness. Because i knew how much I hurted her in the past. I don't know how much similar the feeling but i can grasp it. And of course i have experienced that similar situation. So, for few days we did chat many things include the past. I tried to clear things up. So in the future there would be no more uneasiness when we met each other. But, how unlucky i was, when i was quite in bad state and wrote it in my status, she asked about what happened and i rejected it. It turned out that maybe it led to another miscommunication. And that was the list time we talked. I tried to send few words, but she went away again like last time. Left me again without any trace. Well, i kinda regretted it but what's done is done, right?

Relationship, that was another good thing that happened. I talked to this girl that I aimed to be my future wife. I won't claim her mine, but i tried my best to get closer slowly. Because it was my new habit to calculate everything then i moved slowly but with kind of right pace so i  won't look like slowing down. I was happy every time i have the chance to talk with her, even it was in front of the mirror of my smart phone. I hope i can get this girl in time and in the end someone will not snatch her. But i will always pray that she can be happy for anyone that might be best fit for her. Even that person turned out to be someone else.

Recently, I've been in this bad state where i felt like alone. I'm far from my God. I used to pray in good manner, good looks, and in more proper way. But i felt so lazy. It haunt me everyday. Why i become like this? Why i can't change myself to be a better man? Why? Why? Why!? I kept thinking that maybe I've been strayed too far from God so i felt uneasiness, angry, bad mood, mellow etc. I need to move forward because today, i finally deleted almost all the memories that I've had bad past with it. the only thing left was few photos, words, logs, and some souvenirs. I will get rid all of it slowly. It is not like i hate it, i just want to clear things up. So people will not think that i still live in the past. 

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Prediction

Good Morning. How are you today? I hope you all doing well. Today is Sunday. I am beginning to write this at 4:40 AM. I guess you can call it dawn. In my place, the weather is not that bad. Sometimes it rains lightly and sometimes it is cloudy. Well let's move from that point. If i write something, that means that something good or bad events happen to me. This time.... It is bad again. Just like my previous post, so unfortunate. Hahaha...

Alright, before i start mumbling, i have written some calculation in my previous posts. And what i have feared, began to happen. Something bad in the future will happen seriously. Because i confronted one of the people who would be critical actor in the future event. Just as i thought, this person couldn't see the future ahead. And blabbering nothing. Many people in my circle can't foresee the future based on past and current events. They simply ignore it and continue to believe that something good will keep on happening.

Well, they are not completely wrong but base on my principle, action equal with reaction, if people do good things they will get good things for sure. But, if they do bad things, they will get bad things too. And i believe it because i have experienced this kind of things everyday ever since i realized what happened to me few years ago. So from that point, i have changed my point of view. It has become handy and helped me much. Become negative to stay positive. It means that i will always have another negative opinion to make sure that i will not put much hope into something or someone unless i know them really well. It keeps me off from stupid feeling such as by getting hurt with mere words, by another people's action etc. Ah i forgot the main topic already. My bad.

OK, now to the main topic. I discussed things with this critical person, but well, we got different ideas. And unfortunately, so did my beloved persons. But i don't want to blame them, because they are the best and they love me so much. Oh yeah, about this critical person, i think she is the same with another one, take a job because of the social status. Far from the real meaning of the job. Well, that is their choice, but bad motive will eventually end with bad events. Back to my prediction that I calculate, it will not take too long of time before the economic collapse. So before that happen, i have to persuade my beloved persons to follow my guides and instructions to save this economic things. There are many things that i have to do this year. Wish me luck, Dear readers! (^_^)

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Unfortunate

Hello everyone, it has been a while. I have been sick since 30 December 2014. I don't know the cause but i guess it was when I bought fried rice near my house. When i was eating, i felt something was wrong with my throat and i began coughing much and suddenly felt sick. Then at tomorrow morning, i felt terrible. I got nausea, headache, unstoppable cough, and influenza. What a bad luck in new year. I've eaten many kinds of medicine but nothing has changed.

Well, let's skip it. I don't know any good event that i want to tell you guys. But, i have bad news. It is not that bad, but I am sure in the future there will be some kind of trouble. Well, i don't want to go to the detail but it is something that i can't just ignore. People who close to me misinterpret the meaning of helping others to get better from their disease. These people are annoying me so much. I have to put my mask everyday to face them. I think they would become the trash of society. Become an expert just for the social status. Idiot people to the core. 

I don't know how a child leech their parents while they are fully aware of it and sometimes feels guilty. But they don't change at all. They just talk about it. After that they will continue to lie, leech and deceive their parents. I really hate these kinds of people. Useless piece of trash. Make mistakes everyday and keep blabbering about guilty. Why don't you just re-evaluate yourself and do better next time. It will be better for sure. While only bullshits come from their mouth, i really want to talk to them directly. But their parents keep on defending them. I don't know how these moronic people will fit into society after they graduate in the future. People who get their title without even have skill for practicing will make thousands of reason whenever they are asked to do their job. And in the end, they will run and make a story of it.

A liar will always be a liar. Whatever bullshits they are telling you, don't even try to put your trust into them. If you feel pity towards them, just give them a piece of your trust. If i have to put it in numbers, it will be about 10-20%. Oh yeah, i am sure this problem will arise in the future and i think it will be the doom of my economic, but i will always pray that the doom will not come at all. But, it will require these piece of trash people to realize that they are wrong from the start and from their original motive to become expert in that field. I hope they are willing to open their eyes and see the world which already become harsher from time to time. So they will stand and take an act from it. This is not just for me, but for you too. 

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Broken Attachments

Saturday, 12 July 2014. It will be the longest post in this blog and the last post from my tumblr. And for me, it is the most interesting event of my unstable. :D

 

Hello, it has been a while since i wrote. well i got mixed news.

Yesterday it was my birthday. I hided it from my Facebook. As i expected, none of people who i listed send me anything. Not birthday card nor messages. hurt me so bad, wasn’t it?

God wanted me to see clearly that i don’t have to look back. Everything was already settled. and it is time to move forward. What did i settle? I settled some mistakes in my past life.

When i was young, a stupid one and so brave without bound. Few weeks ago, i got this dream. It came out nowhere. It is still clear in my mind about what happened back there.

It was evening about 4 or 5 p.m. It was a park near the river. I wanted to jog there when i spotted EF sit and gazed the river. She was beautiful as always and really caught my eyes instantly. Seriously, i went to her bench and she smiled at me warmly. I started by apologizing my mistakes and she forgave me so fast. I didn’t know she would forgive me that fast. I expected some slaps, lol. Then we talked about her life until she came back to my town.

I didn’t really remember about our conversation because i was busy. Yeah busy to admire her. she was strong and too strong to be real. She held herself quite good with me when we were together. And when she was talking about her arrival in our city, there was a sound of adzan.

When i heard it, i felt bad not because it was a bother but because we had to part ways soon. Because it was Maghrib's time and we should end our conversation. When we walked together to the parking lot, she stopped suddenly. She wanted me to gaze the sky and felt the wind that surround us.

Then suddenly, she hugged me from behind tightly. I didn’t know why. She started crying behind my back. I felt her sadness. Her pains. All of emotions that i gave her in the past, she released it with her cry. When i tried to talk, she told me to keep silent and let her finished.

It took a long time for her to calm down, then she turned me around. I held both of her shoulders and smiled to her. Cleared her tears. After that, i told her, “I still love you. and you love me too, right?.”

When she agreed to me and wanted to reply, i stopped her. I told her that she should not answer it at that time and let it be. I wanted her to reply it next time when we met again by God’s will. Then I WOKE UP!!! ARRRGGHHHH…. i woke up because of alarm.

It was time to Sahur. So that’s it. And my feeling for her came back instantly. Fulfilling my empty heart. And i thought it was time for me to talk. Yeah few days later, i sent her some texts to apologize about my past. And she forgave me too. Finally, i could sort out my feeling to her. We sent some texts until we fell asleep. That’s the last time we shared. That’s about the mixed news and she forgot about my birthday.

Well i accepted it but i felt bad. I always texts her every year. And she forgot mine easily, well God granted my wishes early. He guided me to be stronger and wanted me to be happy. And not only her, almost all of my friends and my ex gfs forgot. But that was the sign to see the real friend that i could count on.

Don’t get me wrong. people who forgot were still my friends. But… i will be much caring to people who remembered even it was late. People who remembered are my parents, sisters, brothers & my family. My families including two of my bro (MF&WAS) and my lovely elciefo. An orphan child that i knew and my best friends DY and PRN at that time. They are people that i will keep safe and help them in need. As much as they want and i will repay their kindness multiplies.

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Lingering Affection?

Saturday, 23 August 2014

What has happened has nothing to do with me…
I have just been watching the whole time from distance. 
You, the whole world and everything outside continues to move on.

No matter how hard i tried…
No matter how much i love you…
I knew that nothing was going to happen for me…
You were completely different from when i knew you…
The “you” back there was already dead.

The “you” i knew… the “you” that i loved…
That innocent, cute, and sweet girl i knew…
The “you” from my memories died and never came back.
It would be for all eternity and everything ended peacefully.
I just had to accept it and everything would start to heal.

-Oshimi Shuzo

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Air Mata

Monday, 1 August 2011

Tolong berhenti menangis! saya pria. dan saya menangis.

untuk orang yang saya kasihi, sayangi dan saya cintai.

sungguh sangat teramat sesak sakitnya ketika tau ini usai.

tapi saya tidak ingin semua berakhir. saya ingin bersamanya.

selamanya. sampai saya menua bersamanya. saya ingin.

tolong hamba Yang Maha Kuasa. hamba tak ingin cengeng.

tapi hamba tak bisa apa2. air mata ini, terus mengalir.

hamba ingin bersamanya. tolong hamba Yang Maha Esa.

tidak ada satupun yang dapat menolong hamba kecuali Engkau.

mungkin jiwa ini labil, belum dewasa, kekanak-kanakan.

tapi hamba mohon, tolong hamba. bukakan pintu hatinya.

karena ia semngat ku, motivasi ku, pendamping ku Ya Allah.

PS.
This is one of the worst thing I've written. :((

But, i will not change anything. Keep it original.

Whatever shame and jokes it may bring to me.

Well, i just have to accept it. Unneeded to delete. 

Because these are proofs of the path I've been through.

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New Me

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote something in here. I posted many things on my tumblr but not in here. Not because I was shy or whatever you wanted to call it, i just didn't have that much motivation to write in here. Well, now i am powered up again.

So, i have few bad news to write. First, i failed entering AMG, IPDN, and i resigned from KARBOL's end test. Because at that time i have to choose between KARBOL or AMG and IPDN. So i took AMG and IPDN, yet both of them failed me. Hahaha....

Second, i broke up with my girlfriend. We broke up in 2012. Because she cheated on me. lol for so much trust i put on her. Well, I've moved on. So, i will not write too much about it in here. But in the future i will tell some of adventures when i chase her in that cursed city. It was like some kind of drama and so similar to FTV serials. Hahaha....

Third, i moved from my previous college Politeknik Negeri Pontianak (POLNEP) to Universitas Tanjung Pura. At Polnep, i took Civil Engineering. But now, i take Informatics Engineering and in third semester. i should have been in fifth semester but i wasted 1 year in chasing my ex and working. Because at that time, i needed money to keep chasing her and to convince her. Unfortunately, i was blind by thing called LOVE. I still think that i was so stupid at that time.

Well that was the 3 major sad events that has happened in my life since 2011. But now, i am new. So much new that i can tell which one is bad or not. Which one is lie or not. And i keep telling truth to everyone if they ask. Because i am done being nice by lying. It was so stupid to lie. Better tell them the truth and let them process it. That's it.

I will write soon about much more. Many things has happened since 2011. And the recent event when i attended GDG DevFest event and from that moment, I re-thought about my future plan. And i am in process to make new path, new goal and new dream. Wish me luck. :)

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SEPARATION!!!

hello. . . . how are u everyone??? fine right. but not with me.
today is the saddest time of mine. my girlfriend went to jogja.
and now, i'm here. alone. without her. she was the one who gave me spirit.

now, when she went, the spirit too. it has begun to fade since this morning.

now, it's raining, so do my heart. i feel hard to breath like usual.
in my head, her image cover everything. i only think about her.
i know, maybe it's thing called LOVE. the special thing for human.
but i hope i can adapt. because i don't want make her worry about me.
i want her to focus on her test at wednesday. so she will pass that.

i believe she will pass that exam. and i've start to pray for that since i knew.
so i think my beloved God will granted my pray for her. i hope so much.
and i hope my future will be at AMG. so it will open chance to meet her.
i love her. i miss her. i need her. i want to be together with her. . . . 

i hope we can meet at jogja. so my spirit will be boosted by seeing her face.
i hope AMG. . . . please please please. let me enter that government's school. . . .

PS.

It is another cringe moment, i wanted to delete it but decided not to. It was me at that time, i made mistakes as human. So, let's keep this stupid shit in this blog for future. Puberty is scary. lol. (2023)

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