Hey May!

Hai hai hai.... A quick update to welcome may. Recently i met someone new. Well, we started to talk regularly now. But not too deep. We discussed about our problems, not my turn yet though. But we start talking. I tried my best to not make any stupid move. I would like to make our meeting as a friend. I hope nothing more. Just to go day by day like that. Clean. Because there are too many times that friendship died out because i advanced too fast. So it is like that now. I try my best to suppress things. Hope this time will work out. Well our age difference is not that far, around 5-6 years. I don't want to lose friends again.

That's that. let's move on. Last Sunday, i went out to the beach but i didn't spend that much time staring at the sea. Almost all of my time, i spent it in my room. I watched the sea, but it didn't attract me much this time. Because my mind was still wandering. The pressure to finish my college keep on haunting me. If i want to clear all things, the first step i have to do is finishing my college life. So i can move on to the second part of life. Maybe i am such a coward. Enjoying so much for small paid jobs. A million for a month is so small, yet i already felt satisfied. I am such a hypocrite. I could have been someone so great, yet i chose to dilly-dally. I have so many masks to disguise yet i choose the truth mask almost all the time. What a waste.

Alright for the last part is me becoming so much better in driving. Well, i am someone who love speeding. Used to do unofficial street racing all the time. Sometimes i won, sometimes i learned. I beat so many vehicle that should be faster, yet because the driver was me, i won. Looks like i am bragging. lol. The adrenaline is still there. I could feel it in my last trip. Right now, i have to focus all of my energies to clear all the things that have to be done soon. Anyway, thanks for reading. See you soon.

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The Calm Mode (Part 1)

Alright folks, as I said in my previous post, I would like to talk about emotion. I will split the stories into few parts and make sure it is not a long post. If it is too long, it will be boring to read. Of course, I know that by writing this, many people will find it boring already. Because this blog is about me and my journey. Alright enough about that, let's get to it.

This happened way back at 2013, at that time, i was slowly recuperating from broken heart because i lost someone dear to me. I was in denial state. I kept on forcing myself on her. This was my biggest mistake, because i already knew that there was no hope anymore. But i still convinced myself to chase after her. This led me to "books". The surface only though and relationship related thingy. I tried so hard to find some piece of hope to reunite with my love. I couldn't sleep properly. I ate like a madmen. I became depressed. That was why i really couldn't picture what I've done at that time from other people's perspective. For me, i have to find a way to be together again.

It went day by day until i stumbled upon these words. The famous newton 3rd Law. This thing transformed me completely. At that times, i healed myself by going to the beach or just watched anime. From anime, I met the all-time masterpiece, Fullmetal Alchemist. This anime was one of the reason i opened my eyes. To understand the human nature. The most life changing moment was started by this anime. It completely reformed my mind about so many things. Then my mind was craving for knowledge, and then it forced me to keep on reading while distracted me from negative thinking. After that, i spent most of my time by reading whatever i could find to complete that fragile mind and to make sure that i was walking in the correct path by assessing everything with logic. Beside reading, i joined a community for Japanese related thingy in my city to increase my interactions.

After some period of time, the wall finally became solid, my eyes began to see much more. Things that I've been neglecting finally came to me. At that time, regret was the biggest word for me. The first thing i did was to get closer to my family member. I mean dad. mom and my 6 siblings. Interacting more with them. Loving them much more than before. Value them more. I found the true love that could love me back as much as i gave. It felt so incredible and powerful.

Mom gave me the warmest hug i could get. She always understands me. She told me what she have been seeing in recent years. How it made her heart broken to see me in a bad shape. How it made me became unstable. I really hold my best to not cry in front of her. But of course i shed manly tears after realizing every thing that i could remember.

All the things that happened. I spent almost a full month to remember every single thing that happened to me. I went around to many people's house to settle things. Asking their forgiveness if i hurt them in the past. Every single thing that i could do to redeem myself. To turn over a new leaf. I forced myself to do it. If they forgave me then it was good. But if not, at least I've tried asking about it to them than let it became unspeakable matter.

From that, my life became more balanced. Many bad things happened, but so do good things. As i learnt more about life. From action equal to reaction then to Yin Yang, Karma, and the Law of causality. The wall became rock solid resulting in trust issues and another thing was calm mode. It gave me benefits and drawbacks at the same time. I will explain these in  the next post.

OK, the story will continue in part 2. I will update it as soon as it's ready. Stay tune. And thanks for coming. I hope you guys have a bright and happy day. :)

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Ending of "Adulthood is Trouble (Part 3)"

Hello everyone, it's me again. I'll continue this topic because it get wrapped up. I mean the story kinda end so fast. Well this help me to ease my minds too. I mean after writing it up, i can address some issues after careful thought. So it is very helpful not only to me and i hope to you as well. Probably.

Alright, let's continue where i left last time. So few months ago, the girl that I've been in touch decided that we really couldn't move forward. The reasons were well, we were all apart for so long and we didn't know each other that much. After that, i tried to give some arguments but she stopped it. After careful thought, i didn't want to give any pressure and made her feel discomfort. So i decided to stop it completely.

Well, in the first place, it is just me. And it will always be me. I am the only one who can manage feeling as i am a sensitive idiot. So. i put them in parts carefully in my heart. This is not their wrongdoing. It is just me who keeps everything in check. And of course, after learning it might be harmful, i pulled myself away. I should have just stopped myself before it was going to happen, so i could keep talking to her non stop.

At that time, some part of me rebel, if it all led down to relationship, then it was better to confess. Another part did rebel too. They reminded me that human were fragile. If i was rejected, then the friendship i built would be lost. And it was right. After i confessed and she rejected, few weeks later  we stopped chatting. I lost a friend that i could talk to. It was bad and good move. Some part of me did regret it, some didn't. Not black nor white, then. How about gray? :)

Well, after that i felt down, but not for long because i was quite good at managing emotions. Not a pro, but definitely not a newbie. I am quite a sensitive person. I get hurt by words so easily. So that was one of things i addressed back in 2012 when i was crushed to dust by "love". Right now, of course i'm still sensitive, but i can manage it carefully, somehow. Every time someone do something that might hurt me, i always activate calm mode, even though there are so many nasty thoughts on  my head, like talking back with rude remarks, or getting angry, or slam my fists to their face, or slay them with katana, or something like that :D, but then still, i keep myself calm. It was bad though, so many emotion got stopped suddenly. I lost the ability to get truly angry. Whenever i got angry, then few seconds later it died down just like that. Too many rationalization and logical thinking made me dull i guess. I will explain about this emotion thingy in the next update. So. please stay tune. :)

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A Poem by To Ma

I’m Sorry…
(For what ?)
For loving you too much.
For missing you…
I’m sorry for wanting to see you everyday.
For always thinking about you before going to sleep…
For feeling upset if I don’t see you.
For wanting to be by your side.
I’m sorry for wanting to make you HAPPY.
For wanting you to be part of my life.
For trying to make you smile.
I’m Sorry for bothering you…
For dreaming about you everyday.
I’m sorry for relying back as Quick as possible.
I’m sorry for getting mad, jealous and sad…
I’m sorry for being just a simple game.
I’m sorry for thinking that YOU LOVED ME…
For annoying you with my messages and calls…
I’m sorry for caring about you.
I’m just…
Sorry for every single mistake i made.
Good Bye.

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Truth Hurts

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote. Exactly. 4 months ago. It was not a hiatus. But I'm just lazy to write. There are plenty draft to post, but i put hold to it. Because few weeks ago or maybe months ago, some people i know open this blog. Few understood, but many didn't. They didn't read information on my posts and randomly accuse me of something. Well, I'm fine though. It was my fault to post many thing at once even though i already informed you guys that i migrated from tumblr to blog because i felt like blog would be better for long stories. Forget that. Let's move to the things that happen to me.

Confession, that was the good thing about it so i could keep moving forward. It was last month, my ex-gf found this site, read it, and unlucky to read her nick in my previous post. She asked me few times, until i opened up to her. Well, it was a good feeling like something loose from my burden. Of course, the first thing i said to her after we didn't talk for a long time was her forgiveness. Because i knew how much I hurted her in the past. I don't know how much similar the feeling but i can grasp it. And of course i have experienced that similar situation. So, for few days we did chat many things include the past. I tried to clear things up. So in the future there would be no more uneasiness when we met each other. But, how unlucky i was, when i was quite in bad state and wrote it in my status, she asked about what happened and i rejected it. It turned out that maybe it led to another miscommunication. And that was the list time we talked. I tried to send few words, but she went away again like last time. Left me again without any trace. Well, i kinda regretted it but what's done is done, right?

Relationship, that was another good thing that happened. I talked to this girl that I aimed to be my future wife. I won't claim her mine, but i tried my best to get closer slowly. Because it was my new habit to calculate everything then i moved slowly but with kind of right pace so i  won't look like slowing down. I was happy every time i have the chance to talk with her, even it was in front of the mirror of my smart phone. I hope i can get this girl in time and in the end someone will not snatch her. But i will always pray that she can be happy for anyone that might be best fit for her. Even that person turned out to be someone else.

Recently, I've been in this bad state where i felt like alone. I'm far from my God. I used to pray in good manner, good looks, and in more proper way. But i felt so lazy. It haunt me everyday. Why i become like this? Why i can't change myself to be a better man? Why? Why? Why!? I kept thinking that maybe I've been strayed too far from God so i felt uneasiness, angry, bad mood, mellow etc. I need to move forward because today, i finally deleted almost all the memories that I've had bad past with it. the only thing left was few photos, words, logs, and some souvenirs. I will get rid all of it slowly. It is not like i hate it, i just want to clear things up. So people will not think that i still live in the past. 

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Disaster?

Hello everyone.... Finally, i have posted all of my articles from tumblr. So i will update some of my recent experience. There are many events. But for now, i will write the recent one. This event force me to go outside. This is the first time i am writing in public place. It is a cafe. This cafe is not that far from my house. About 7-8 minutes by riding with my bike. Well, i want to inform you, this cafe is open public. And it means cigarette. It becomes cloudy as soon as some of workers come. So cloudy. (-__-)

I hate place like this, but this is the only place that give good connection. There are many people. But people in 40s dominate it. Endless stupid talk. I don't know that society have fallen this much. FYI, I seldom goes out from my house unless it is important and have meaning. They talk about many things and sometimes joke about something that is not supposed to be joke. And the funny thing is they all laugh with it and it is unpleasant to see people force their self to laugh.

Enough of society, let's get back to the title. This event happened recently. My older sister finally back from her study and moved back to our house. I don't know about how our house arrangement will be in the future, But for now, she stays in her former room with my younger sister. I've been feeling happy because since she arrived the house seemed brighter. I don't want to go for the detail but that is happening. I could not make something like that. Because i became careless. I decided to not meddle with any one's business anymore unless they asked me to. And I decided to not talk unless it forced me to. This decision has been started since few weeks ago. And i found it pretty useful. I could become calm and thought many things without involving my emotions.

OK now i am back to the title. I keep getting distracted. Seriously there are many things to write. And i plan to write things regularly. Right now, i am planning to include my studies too. Because i am easy to forget things. Including my knowledge. So i decided to write, because i found it became useful in times like these. I used to have this problem from my LAN card. Recently the problem keep happening again. And i forgot how to fix it. And because of that, i couldn't use my computer to go online. Well, the connection is out too. The lighting struck our house yesterday and made some sparks in my room. The spark came from the terminal. Luckily my computer seemed fine only the LAN became stuck. I haven't checked thoroughly though. This forced me to make some grounding inside my room. I've told my parents but they didn't believe. I couldn't force them to accept it that our house didn't have grounding. I decided to not argue with them. So i will buy some items to make grounding. i hope it will work out somehow. I called it disaster because i couldn't connect to Internet through my computer and forced me to write in public area that leaded me to inhale unhealthy ciggarette's smoke.

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Time Doesn't Heal

Time changes everything or time heals all wounds. But the reality, it was just what people said. Doing things change things. Not doing things left things exactly as they were. And if you just leave it alone, it is not going to clear itself up like some kind of magic. So take actions, don’t just sit and try to forget.

 

We can forget it if we are busy to do many things, but how long can you stay busy? Remember, when the memories strikes, it will be hurt and makes you miserable. Either you let yourself hurt again, or you stand up and fix it. You choose.

PS.
Okay that was the post. But i will add some words. I truly believe that time doesn't heal any wounds. If u persist that it will heal but i guarantee that it will leave scar. Because nothing could heal completely. So it still count as not fully recovered, right?

If you really want to move on, you have to accept that wounds. You have to acknowledge it. Because only by that, you will find peace. I could talk about it because i passed that phase. I know, it will take time depend on how big the wound. But, do not give up because you will not know how close you are from the finish. Believe me. :)

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Lingering Affection?

Saturday, 23 August 2014

What has happened has nothing to do with me…
I have just been watching the whole time from distance. 
You, the whole world and everything outside continues to move on.

No matter how hard i tried…
No matter how much i love you…
I knew that nothing was going to happen for me…
You were completely different from when i knew you…
The “you” back there was already dead.

The “you” i knew… the “you” that i loved…
That innocent, cute, and sweet girl i knew…
The “you” from my memories died and never came back.
It would be for all eternity and everything ended peacefully.
I just had to accept it and everything would start to heal.

-Oshimi Shuzo

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To My Dearest Future Wife

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Hello, it has been a while since i wrote about my life. Just posted random quotes from my everyday experience. Well let’s get start from this MAINSTREAM topic. he he…

I just want to apologize. Yes to you, my beloved future wife. I’ve cheated on you numerous times already. i am a bad guy. Well, i did that in the past because of this thing called “loneliness.”

I’ve born in a good and religious family, and yet i betrayed them. I tried anything in my teenage time. from “good” until “bad”. I’ve tasted everything that available. So i knew how it would work. And i guarantee you that i will not get addict to drugs or cigarette. Of course, not even alcohol too. That’s from the bad side of “things”.

Let’s go to the abstract ones. yeah, this thing called “love”. I’ve fallen in love since my junior high school. That was the first time and the last time was about several months ago. I’ve tasted many kind of emotion. Of course good and bad. This “love” thing gave me plenty of experiences in life. From spirit to live or gloom to death. Well, i was in my unstable period.

Now, i feel like it was so funny to see me in the past. So funny. If i could go back, i would like to punch myself to pulp. I felt like i was complete different person in this present age of time. Well, this thing called “love” also the one who guide me to maturity. Not 100%, but it took almost half of the role though.

Ok, i want you to know, this time, i will make sure to not cheat on you anymore. And not to try “something”. Because I’ve done that it in the past. I will control every inch of my emotion. Make sure to protect it. And then one day i will say, “This heart reserved for you only, my dearest.”

Just so you know, I’ve recently tried to work out again. I want to make sure to meet you in my great shape to not let you down. It’s not like i want to be someone else, it’s just i want to be healthy again. I won’t let you see me as a weak person. Because i am strong. Yeah strong enough to learn many things in this life and not to give up so easily.

I want to make you rest assured and feel no worry in my protection. I think this is only for part one. Well, let’s continue it later.

From your future husband. Don’t laugh please. Oh, honestly„, :p

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Come Back To Me

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Right now i am in the middle of crisis in my life.
I’ve done something terrible to my girlfriend.
And now she wants to break our relationship.
I don't know what i have to do now.
Everything in my mind was in a mess.
The only thing i can think now is how to get her back.
I can’t focus on everything that i do.
Her decision really made me my heart broken to pieces.
I knew i was wrong. i made mistakes.
When i tried to repair it, she suddenly broke it.
And now, i don’t know what will happen.
Tomorrow night will be something important.
I wish we could go back together because we have long history.
We made many memories together. We planned dream together.
She meant everything to me. She was the only one.
I already closed my heart. No one can enter or goes out.

PS.
This was me when i couldn't accept the reality.
We broke up because she cheated on me.
But she made up stories that i didn't care enough.
Because i told her about her sick dad when she was in exam.
And so on. Many stupid small mistakes that wasn't worth.
LOL, i was so stupid to convince myself that i was wrong.
That was a stupid reason to end years of relationship.
But i just couldn't accept it and blamed myself.
What could i do when 2 people already fell in love.
But from this cruel reality, i learned much to be better person. :D

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Stupidity

Sunday, 31 July 2011 

yeah…. I was so stupid last night.

complained about many things.

and then i got a bad thing from it.

cold. sad. empty. useless.

just trying to understand from now.

i should care about our heart.

STOP COMPLAINING!!!

too much hope in something isn’t good.

and again stop complaining!

it makes something goes worse.

so control your mind. clean it.

because you will acquire the happiness.

by controlling a clear mind.

be strong, be patient, be understanding.

after that everything gonna be okay.

i believe that. probably.

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New Me

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote something in here. I posted many things on my tumblr but not in here. Not because I was shy or whatever you wanted to call it, i just didn't have that much motivation to write in here. Well, now i am powered up again.

So, i have few bad news to write. First, i failed entering AMG, IPDN, and i resigned from KARBOL's end test. Because at that time i have to choose between KARBOL or AMG and IPDN. So i took AMG and IPDN, yet both of them failed me. Hahaha....

Second, i broke up with my girlfriend. We broke up in 2012. Because she cheated on me. lol for so much trust i put on her. Well, I've moved on. So, i will not write too much about it in here. But in the future i will tell some of adventures when i chase her in that cursed city. It was like some kind of drama and so similar to FTV serials. Hahaha....

Third, i moved from my previous college Politeknik Negeri Pontianak (POLNEP) to Universitas Tanjung Pura. At Polnep, i took Civil Engineering. But now, i take Informatics Engineering and in third semester. i should have been in fifth semester but i wasted 1 year in chasing my ex and working. Because at that time, i needed money to keep chasing her and to convince her. Unfortunately, i was blind by thing called LOVE. I still think that i was so stupid at that time.

Well that was the 3 major sad events that has happened in my life since 2011. But now, i am new. So much new that i can tell which one is bad or not. Which one is lie or not. And i keep telling truth to everyone if they ask. Because i am done being nice by lying. It was so stupid to lie. Better tell them the truth and let them process it. That's it.

I will write soon about much more. Many things has happened since 2011. And the recent event when i attended GDG DevFest event and from that moment, I re-thought about my future plan. And i am in process to make new path, new goal and new dream. Wish me luck. :)

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