Hello everyone, it's me again. I'll continue this topic because it get wrapped up. I mean the story kinda end so fast. Well this help me to ease my minds too. I mean after writing it up, i can address some issues after careful thought. So it is very helpful not only to me and i hope to you as well. Probably.
Alright, let's continue where i left last time. So few months ago, the girl that I've been in touch decided that we really couldn't move forward. The reasons were well, we were all apart for so long and we didn't know each other that much. After that, i tried to give some arguments but she stopped it. After careful thought, i didn't want to give any pressure and made her feel discomfort. So i decided to stop it completely.
Well, in the first place, it is just me. And it will always be me. I am the only one who can manage feeling as i am a sensitive idiot. So. i put them in parts carefully in my heart. This is not their wrongdoing. It is just me who keeps everything in check. And of course, after learning it might be harmful, i pulled myself away. I should have just stopped myself before it was going to happen, so i could keep talking to her non stop.
At that time, some part of me rebel, if it all led down to relationship, then it was better to confess. Another part did rebel too. They reminded me that human were fragile. If i was rejected, then the friendship i built would be lost. And it was right. After i confessed and she rejected, few weeks later we stopped chatting. I lost a friend that i could talk to. It was bad and good move. Some part of me did regret it, some didn't. Not black nor white, then. How about gray? :)
Well, after that i felt down, but not for long because i was quite good at managing emotions. Not a pro, but definitely not a newbie. I am quite a sensitive person. I get hurt by words so easily. So that was one of things i addressed back in 2012 when i was crushed to dust by "love". Right now, of course i'm still sensitive, but i can manage it carefully, somehow. Every time someone do something that might hurt me, i always activate calm mode, even though there are so many nasty thoughts on my head, like talking back with rude remarks, or getting angry, or slam my fists to their face, or slay them with katana, or something like that :D, but then still, i keep myself calm. It was bad though, so many emotion got stopped suddenly. I lost the ability to get truly angry. Whenever i got angry, then few seconds later it died down just like that. Too many rationalization and logical thinking made me dull i guess. I will explain about this emotion thingy in the next update. So. please stay tune. :)
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