Ending of "Adulthood is Trouble (Part 3)"

Hello everyone, it's me again. I'll continue this topic because it get wrapped up. I mean the story kinda end so fast. Well this help me to ease my minds too. I mean after writing it up, i can address some issues after careful thought. So it is very helpful not only to me and i hope to you as well. Probably.

Alright, let's continue where i left last time. So few months ago, the girl that I've been in touch decided that we really couldn't move forward. The reasons were well, we were all apart for so long and we didn't know each other that much. After that, i tried to give some arguments but she stopped it. After careful thought, i didn't want to give any pressure and made her feel discomfort. So i decided to stop it completely.

Well, in the first place, it is just me. And it will always be me. I am the only one who can manage feeling as i am a sensitive idiot. So. i put them in parts carefully in my heart. This is not their wrongdoing. It is just me who keeps everything in check. And of course, after learning it might be harmful, i pulled myself away. I should have just stopped myself before it was going to happen, so i could keep talking to her non stop.

At that time, some part of me rebel, if it all led down to relationship, then it was better to confess. Another part did rebel too. They reminded me that human were fragile. If i was rejected, then the friendship i built would be lost. And it was right. After i confessed and she rejected, few weeks later  we stopped chatting. I lost a friend that i could talk to. It was bad and good move. Some part of me did regret it, some didn't. Not black nor white, then. How about gray? :)

Well, after that i felt down, but not for long because i was quite good at managing emotions. Not a pro, but definitely not a newbie. I am quite a sensitive person. I get hurt by words so easily. So that was one of things i addressed back in 2012 when i was crushed to dust by "love". Right now, of course i'm still sensitive, but i can manage it carefully, somehow. Every time someone do something that might hurt me, i always activate calm mode, even though there are so many nasty thoughts on  my head, like talking back with rude remarks, or getting angry, or slam my fists to their face, or slay them with katana, or something like that :D, but then still, i keep myself calm. It was bad though, so many emotion got stopped suddenly. I lost the ability to get truly angry. Whenever i got angry, then few seconds later it died down just like that. Too many rationalization and logical thinking made me dull i guess. I will explain about this emotion thingy in the next update. So. please stay tune. :)

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Adulthood is Trouble (Part 3)

Hello again. It's me. Obviously. Alright, I'm going to address the third issues in my life. From two previous post before, they were the major things that pull my life over. I mean, it was like they came just like the storm, came, wrecked around, and went away. As hectic as that. lol.

Alright, the third topic will be romance. Why i put it last? Because i posted the previous things based on category from the hardest, medium and easiest. The romance will be the easiest because i don't think that i care that much about it. My heart, it is hollow, i think....

In recent years, i met dozens of woman. I really wanted to look around. And from that i got 2 girls. Of course, they were not in any special relationship with me. It was just targets. I told you about both of them in the past. You guys can check this post. It was the latest post (aside from poem) about my life story, before i changed my blog's function to do assignment for college.

Now, there are none left. HAHAHA.... It is not that i don't want to be in relationship at all. Of course i wanted that, i tried it at first. Chit chat. Meetings. And so on. I thought that because i haven't been in any real relationship since 2012, I've become rusted. It is hard for me to express things. Especially to girls. I thought that they must have known my obvious intention from start. So after some time, either i backed down or they became astral. I mean, they were going away too.

I've been single for 5 years if i counted this year. And it is hard to really start a new relationship. Well, girls that I've met, most of them didn't know about what's going in this world. I mean they were stuck on their own world. They haven't experienced how cruel the world is. They enjoyed their time zone. It is good thing. I'm not judging them. It's just they are too naive and that is not the type that I'm looking for. I'm not ready for stupid small drama things. I know, life is full of dramas, but useless dramas that will not improve our life, what's the use of it?

I really just walk on my own pace. Even when my family ask about it, i always answer that,"I'm not yet ready to look for one. I already have too many problems. And if we add our own family's circumstances, i don't even know if she can endure it." Yeah, another reason that i haven't look for girlfriend because of that too. I'm afraid because there are so many problems that going on, i will only make her uncomfortable. I will be just too focused on my own problems and neglect her. I don't want to hurt anybody again. I already experience how hurt it can be.

I really wash away the idea of finding girlfriend. Until few weeks ago. The girl that i always wait for her presence. The girl that i admire so much because of her solid background. Solid in here, because she worked her way up, without any shortcut. A girl who walk from bottom, and rise with time even now. A girl that have big heart. A girl that have special place in me for the longest as far as i can remember. A girl that often visit my dream. A girl that used to influence how should i reached the sky. A girl that i really treat as carefully as i can. A girl that i consider as the wisest as a girl in my generation that i met in almost 24 years of life. It sounds like i exaggerated. But it is not. I replayed many questions that dozens of girls, even 2 best candidates i considered the best in the past, and they all answered naively. Yet she answered it on point without even breaking a sweat and the answers were so reasonable and logically true as i experienced. Conclusion? unrivaled. :)

Maybe, i just haven't met her rival yet. She "whipped" me so hard that i want to finish my college as fast as possible. And work towards my dreams. Burning me with high spirits. I hope this time, i can finally put my expectations and hopes on another human. Eventhough it is impossible. And will end up, i get hurt again. It's totally worth this time. I won't blame anyone but myself on this decision. And i believe, I will not meet any girl with her qualities anytime soon.

Few last paragraph was not planned at all. lol. That's all i could think of. I will write as soon as i can. And i hope, i will already walk together in line with her next time i post new stuffs. lol. Just kidding. Alright, have a great weekend everyone. :)

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Adulthood is Trouble (Part 2)

Hello. Today is a hot Sunday. Dank. When i wanted to laze around, but the weather forced me to do something instead. Because staying idle felt terrible and this overwhelming energies that i got last night, just sparked non stop. This feeling. It is something like "Second Wind" for me. It has been a while. Really. This burning sensation like i can own the world when i take a step. This powerful feeling. How long have i missed it. Last time something like this happen in the past when i was fat, and they said, "Fat people like you, can't run that far. Don't even mention to enter Academy School with that body." After that like a storm, i tried my best to get in shape. I burned 13kg in less than a month. I could run 2km in 12 minutes. And not stopping at that. I ended up reaching 3km after few months later. I could do 42 perfect push up in 1 minutes, 53 sit ups in 1 minutes, but sadly my arms were weak, i can only do 4 pull ups. lol. Don't mention about swimming, i can do that for hours. much better than my running. Well, enough of that. Because now, I am back to be the fat guy. I'm still working to get back in shape again.

So as i have promised in my previous post, i will update the second major thing. It is about work. In September 2015. When i was a computer technician from door to door. My friends, RMA and AS. They share the same dream as myself. To make our city better. In technology about computer. In Indonesian language it is said as "Melek Teknologi". Because in many case, my customers, and my friend's customers they get a totally wrong idea about computer. Especially in laptop. They get deceived to buy this and that without knowing the real functionality of the items they bought. Our missions that time was to educate people and help them get through it. A noble thing to do, right? Even we could get small profit from it.

So, from September 2015, we created a startup shop. We hope that one day, this startup could become big and became a place where people could come to get education whil bought stuffs too. After that we tried to expand our business. 2 months after that, we have a big news. We could open up a small store in good business area in our city. We worked toward it as best as we could. We maintained it in few months. We were growing. Then the problem in my previous post happened, I didn't have much time to stay in our store. I was becoming an invisible dude who didn't help that much recently. It was sad. But i have to accept that. That was fate that i have to face. Now, i manage things as simple as i can. Take small decisions over things. Without overthinking in the first place. Well for big matters of course i will always end up overthinking. lol.

Beside the problem that happened in previous post, there was a problem in transportation too. I meant, we didn't have that many bikes available to be used. So, it made my situation in my own store worse. I could only come few hours a day, not to mention, most of the time i couldn't even attend in weekend or holiday. Well, i used to stay almost 12 hours a day in my store. We open at 9 AM - 11 PM. It become long because we sell cellulars stuffs too. So we can have another income beside computer stuffs.

Because those things, my store got some kind of indirect impact because of me. I felt so sad. I hope after my sister's bike is out, i can use my bike again to go to work. I need to work harder from now on. And i have to finish my college as fast as i can. After i received "Second Wind" yesterday. I will give you a brief explanation in next post. It is about romance. See you later..... hahaha xD

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New Me

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote something in here. I posted many things on my tumblr but not in here. Not because I was shy or whatever you wanted to call it, i just didn't have that much motivation to write in here. Well, now i am powered up again.

So, i have few bad news to write. First, i failed entering AMG, IPDN, and i resigned from KARBOL's end test. Because at that time i have to choose between KARBOL or AMG and IPDN. So i took AMG and IPDN, yet both of them failed me. Hahaha....

Second, i broke up with my girlfriend. We broke up in 2012. Because she cheated on me. lol for so much trust i put on her. Well, I've moved on. So, i will not write too much about it in here. But in the future i will tell some of adventures when i chase her in that cursed city. It was like some kind of drama and so similar to FTV serials. Hahaha....

Third, i moved from my previous college Politeknik Negeri Pontianak (POLNEP) to Universitas Tanjung Pura. At Polnep, i took Civil Engineering. But now, i take Informatics Engineering and in third semester. i should have been in fifth semester but i wasted 1 year in chasing my ex and working. Because at that time, i needed money to keep chasing her and to convince her. Unfortunately, i was blind by thing called LOVE. I still think that i was so stupid at that time.

Well that was the 3 major sad events that has happened in my life since 2011. But now, i am new. So much new that i can tell which one is bad or not. Which one is lie or not. And i keep telling truth to everyone if they ask. Because i am done being nice by lying. It was so stupid to lie. Better tell them the truth and let them process it. That's it.

I will write soon about much more. Many things has happened since 2011. And the recent event when i attended GDG DevFest event and from that moment, I re-thought about my future plan. And i am in process to make new path, new goal and new dream. Wish me luck. :)

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