Ruination?

Hello dear readers, it has been a while. I already wrapped things up. Well, after the new event, i wrote the next post already. But, as my emotions fluactuated much, i decided to postpone the release.

Well let's skip that part. few weeks ago i started a holiday trip with my brothers and sisters. We are 7 with my older sister's husband and their child. So, we can count it as 9 people. I will explain about my adventures with them in 1 or 2 post ahead. I will give reviews about the hotel i visit, the foods and the places.

What's more important then to tell beside my holiday? I don't know how to explain it. The only thing i can tell is, i get cut before even starting. I haven't even give time to really focus on there. Really, it upset me. Not that much, though, I don't know what kind of things that ruin my part. Is it about looks? Is it about money? Is it about attitude? I don't know. And i don't think i will have the real answer. Let's stop it at there about my assumptions. I will not start to ramble about things that i don't investigate. Sad, isn't it? Of course it is. I haven't thought about this even once until three weeks ago. Yet, i have to let it go just like that again. Again? Yes, again.

It was hard to part away with it. I had to make decision as fast as i can. Yet, i wanted it to last as long as possible. Because it would be the last time that we could have long talk together. Regardless, about things that we talked. I believed that, after i made the decision, we would not talk again. Back to being acquaintance. This is the saddest part for me. Because it happened in the past. Acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. We used to be so close. It was hard to find someone like you. Even after i looked around for so long. I haven't even encounter one beside you. Someone that really fit with what i wanted. But i have to understand too, that i can't force someone to like me. Not to mention my personality which is like this. A really huge and thick wall that always filter everything before me. That might turned off people before we even began.

Alright, in every chance, i have to acquire lessons to learn. Sincerity, sometimes can't move people, no matter how pure of it. Maybe it will, maybe it will not. Because, we can't see what's inside someone's heart. Some will fail to interpret it and even misinterpret. And sometimes, you will end up like you are lying. Well, it is ok. Maybe even normal. Because i really don't know, maybe common sense is too hard to grasp. As i said in the past, not everyone could handle raw truths. Not to mention young generation, even the old generation suffer from it too. Maybe because it is rare in society nowadays to speak up and have different opinions.

I think that's all for now. As the situation is cooling down. I will try to post the drafts i have. I'm sorry, i can't explain much. I really can't explain because i already said that i would keep it between us. Well, i really don't know what's to keep. Is it about our secret? Yet, i don't know what's secret that we have. Is it about us? I haven't started yet. Is it about our break up? Yet we are not even in any kind of relationship. Really, i don't know. I'm back to suppress this long-lasting feeling. It has been here for years. And maybe it is time to really let it go. Should i low level format my heart then? Or should i show that i am not playing around? Time will tell.

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Adulthood is Trouble (Part 3)

Hello again. It's me. Obviously. Alright, I'm going to address the third issues in my life. From two previous post before, they were the major things that pull my life over. I mean, it was like they came just like the storm, came, wrecked around, and went away. As hectic as that. lol.

Alright, the third topic will be romance. Why i put it last? Because i posted the previous things based on category from the hardest, medium and easiest. The romance will be the easiest because i don't think that i care that much about it. My heart, it is hollow, i think....

In recent years, i met dozens of woman. I really wanted to look around. And from that i got 2 girls. Of course, they were not in any special relationship with me. It was just targets. I told you about both of them in the past. You guys can check this post. It was the latest post (aside from poem) about my life story, before i changed my blog's function to do assignment for college.

Now, there are none left. HAHAHA.... It is not that i don't want to be in relationship at all. Of course i wanted that, i tried it at first. Chit chat. Meetings. And so on. I thought that because i haven't been in any real relationship since 2012, I've become rusted. It is hard for me to express things. Especially to girls. I thought that they must have known my obvious intention from start. So after some time, either i backed down or they became astral. I mean, they were going away too.

I've been single for 5 years if i counted this year. And it is hard to really start a new relationship. Well, girls that I've met, most of them didn't know about what's going in this world. I mean they were stuck on their own world. They haven't experienced how cruel the world is. They enjoyed their time zone. It is good thing. I'm not judging them. It's just they are too naive and that is not the type that I'm looking for. I'm not ready for stupid small drama things. I know, life is full of dramas, but useless dramas that will not improve our life, what's the use of it?

I really just walk on my own pace. Even when my family ask about it, i always answer that,"I'm not yet ready to look for one. I already have too many problems. And if we add our own family's circumstances, i don't even know if she can endure it." Yeah, another reason that i haven't look for girlfriend because of that too. I'm afraid because there are so many problems that going on, i will only make her uncomfortable. I will be just too focused on my own problems and neglect her. I don't want to hurt anybody again. I already experience how hurt it can be.

I really wash away the idea of finding girlfriend. Until few weeks ago. The girl that i always wait for her presence. The girl that i admire so much because of her solid background. Solid in here, because she worked her way up, without any shortcut. A girl who walk from bottom, and rise with time even now. A girl that have big heart. A girl that have special place in me for the longest as far as i can remember. A girl that often visit my dream. A girl that used to influence how should i reached the sky. A girl that i really treat as carefully as i can. A girl that i consider as the wisest as a girl in my generation that i met in almost 24 years of life. It sounds like i exaggerated. But it is not. I replayed many questions that dozens of girls, even 2 best candidates i considered the best in the past, and they all answered naively. Yet she answered it on point without even breaking a sweat and the answers were so reasonable and logically true as i experienced. Conclusion? unrivaled. :)

Maybe, i just haven't met her rival yet. She "whipped" me so hard that i want to finish my college as fast as possible. And work towards my dreams. Burning me with high spirits. I hope this time, i can finally put my expectations and hopes on another human. Eventhough it is impossible. And will end up, i get hurt again. It's totally worth this time. I won't blame anyone but myself on this decision. And i believe, I will not meet any girl with her qualities anytime soon.

Few last paragraph was not planned at all. lol. That's all i could think of. I will write as soon as i can. And i hope, i will already walk together in line with her next time i post new stuffs. lol. Just kidding. Alright, have a great weekend everyone. :)

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Adulthood is Trouble (Part 2)

Hello. Today is a hot Sunday. Dank. When i wanted to laze around, but the weather forced me to do something instead. Because staying idle felt terrible and this overwhelming energies that i got last night, just sparked non stop. This feeling. It is something like "Second Wind" for me. It has been a while. Really. This burning sensation like i can own the world when i take a step. This powerful feeling. How long have i missed it. Last time something like this happen in the past when i was fat, and they said, "Fat people like you, can't run that far. Don't even mention to enter Academy School with that body." After that like a storm, i tried my best to get in shape. I burned 13kg in less than a month. I could run 2km in 12 minutes. And not stopping at that. I ended up reaching 3km after few months later. I could do 42 perfect push up in 1 minutes, 53 sit ups in 1 minutes, but sadly my arms were weak, i can only do 4 pull ups. lol. Don't mention about swimming, i can do that for hours. much better than my running. Well, enough of that. Because now, I am back to be the fat guy. I'm still working to get back in shape again.

So as i have promised in my previous post, i will update the second major thing. It is about work. In September 2015. When i was a computer technician from door to door. My friends, RMA and AS. They share the same dream as myself. To make our city better. In technology about computer. In Indonesian language it is said as "Melek Teknologi". Because in many case, my customers, and my friend's customers they get a totally wrong idea about computer. Especially in laptop. They get deceived to buy this and that without knowing the real functionality of the items they bought. Our missions that time was to educate people and help them get through it. A noble thing to do, right? Even we could get small profit from it.

So, from September 2015, we created a startup shop. We hope that one day, this startup could become big and became a place where people could come to get education whil bought stuffs too. After that we tried to expand our business. 2 months after that, we have a big news. We could open up a small store in good business area in our city. We worked toward it as best as we could. We maintained it in few months. We were growing. Then the problem in my previous post happened, I didn't have much time to stay in our store. I was becoming an invisible dude who didn't help that much recently. It was sad. But i have to accept that. That was fate that i have to face. Now, i manage things as simple as i can. Take small decisions over things. Without overthinking in the first place. Well for big matters of course i will always end up overthinking. lol.

Beside the problem that happened in previous post, there was a problem in transportation too. I meant, we didn't have that many bikes available to be used. So, it made my situation in my own store worse. I could only come few hours a day, not to mention, most of the time i couldn't even attend in weekend or holiday. Well, i used to stay almost 12 hours a day in my store. We open at 9 AM - 11 PM. It become long because we sell cellulars stuffs too. So we can have another income beside computer stuffs.

Because those things, my store got some kind of indirect impact because of me. I felt so sad. I hope after my sister's bike is out, i can use my bike again to go to work. I need to work harder from now on. And i have to finish my college as fast as i can. After i received "Second Wind" yesterday. I will give you a brief explanation in next post. It is about romance. See you later..... hahaha xD

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Adulthood is Trouble (Part 1)

Hello everyone, it has been a while since i wrote about something, especially in 2016. Most of it was assignments from my lecturers. So i couldn't write anything, because i thought that they would notice it and read my stupid journey. lol. Well, i have plenty of things that went bad. I will explain some of it in numbers. For now, i will tell you guys about the major first.

First of all, the decline health of my father. This is the huge hit for me. The guy that i looked up to. The idol in my heart for long period of time began to die out. I meant, i kept losing my faith on him. I didn't know why he became like this. He was the best man that i could look up to. I thought that i was being denial. Because i couldn't accept, "Nobody's Perfect".

He handled us as small family (now we are kind of big). Eating good food with great nutrition was his priority when i was a kid. In my family, we were forced to finish the meal that we took. So if you couldn't eat much, you shouldn't take the amount that you couldn't handle. If you did, get ready to cry later. At that time, as a small family that just started out, most of the time we could eat was eggs thingy. We did buy beef, chicken, or fish too. But most of the time it was eggs. I could eat more than 1 egg a day. Because when my sisters couldn't eat much, i ended up finishing their food. Because we were so afraid that my father would get angry if we didn't finish our foods. Ah i forget to tell you, we were forced to eat based on my father's amount. Not our own amount. In food thingy i mean. lol.

He managed every single thing in my house. He taught me every basic thing in the worldly knowledge or knowledge about my religion, as it resulted that i was excel in it. I could be proud when compared to kids in my age. I was being the first, in school or in neighborhood as a kid. Even now, if i give a little time to learn something, i could comprehend it fast. The only bad thing was he haven't have time to teach us that much. Especially in sport. He forced us, siblings to work our way alone. I'm not going to critic his parental teaching method. It is just that he haven't give any inheritance in that area. I could be careless about inheritance in money, material or something like that. But knowledge, it is different matter.

He was the best dad i ever knew. He could cook. He could do shopping. He could repair things. He could take care the three of us siblings at that time easily (now we are 7 brothers and sisters). He was someone that could handle everything easily. He was strong, he told us that he could run and cycling for kilometres back in the day when he was kid. He could wake up easily in dawn. Whatever time he intended to wake up, he could do it. The result was fantastic for 56 years, until 2015, he never have major sickness that i could tell. Even if he was, he hid it very well. Because he appeared healthy, even now when he is very sick. I love him so much. My eyes always get cloudy, whenever i remembered things in the past when we were kids. When my father focused his best attention to make sure we got what we needed.

Now, i couldn't explain what happened to him. I mean i couldn't write it here. Because i want to remember all the good things only for him. The bad things are for me to learn. But i'm sure one of the factor is money. It changed things. There are tons of things i have to think as adult. Time keep passing each minutes, hours, days, and years. And now i think throughly for every decision i have to make. And because of that, i have trust issue. I think that's all for now. I will continue another thing in part two. Let me think about it, there will be two topic, work and romance for future parts.

I hope you guys could learn something from my experiance after all this time. Even maybe it is so small. Still, i hope i can be some kind of help. Alright, see you later on second part. I will try my best to update it soon.

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